Sleep

I could not get good sleep. It has been 2 nights already and I'm not sure why this is. Done with my nightly routines (check email, listen to music, bloghop), I tuck myself in at around 1am only to be staring at the ceiling for another 2 hours or so. It may be my perennial problem of temporary insomnia (is there such a thing?)... That, Or I may be thinking too much again.

Hmmm.

I've been wondering what is amiss. I have diagnosed myself and came up with possible causes:
1) Prison Break Withdrawal - When's the next season going to be out ?!
2) Cambodia-induced Excitement - I simply cannot wait.
3) Rocky Chat Deficiency - Where have you been, friend? Are you feeling the love? :)

There is another one not on this list, which probably would explain my symptoms best... And, I am guessing that this bug has no cure :)

Leaving on a Jet Plane

When asked what his favorite experience is, one designer answered that it is riding a plane 'coz one never knows what that particular journey will bring. I can't help but agree. Whether it is for a vacation or a permanent move, going away or coming back home, a trip gives us memories to keep, pictures to share and stories to tell.

It has only been a month since I last got out of Singapore. But, given the stress of daily life, it seems way longer. A break is, indeed, in place. New air to breathe...new sights to see...It's going to be chill.

Jeng texted me early this morning. My mom apparently texted her, asking her to bring some stuff for me. What made Jeng and I laugh is one line which went: "You two enjoy in Cambodia. May you meet the right man who will love and make you happy soon". Classic Mom! I think she meant "soon" as in this weekend... As if! :)

Most likely, our 3 day escapade will be spent learning history, shopping for antiques, and as Tegs suggested, having massages. Realistically, we are neither going to find the man of our dreams touring the old temples nor will they turn out to be one of those monks clad in orange robes. (Are they even allowed to marry?) ... Thus, Jeng and I will end up being the epitome of the new age single woman - independent, strong, and out to conquer the world. Who needs a man? :)

Sorry mom, it's not gonna happen this weekend...

But, then again, who knows what this journey will bring? :)

Coffee

I didn't think of myself as a coffee drinker. The occassional trips to Starbucks were more for the purposes of hanging out and great conversation rather than caffeine intake.

That was then... Not anymore.

These days, I have to have at least a cup of coffee. Maximum would be 3 cups, one after lunch, one mid-afternoon, and one early evening. This probably explains my normal 2am bed time. Not good!

I can't really pinpoint when my love affair with coffee began. Most likely, this was driven by the long hours stressing over the Germany project, in addition to my Sing crew being coffee addicts too. We would pass by Killiney after lunch, downing the local coffee blended with condensed milk (I think?). Or, we would take afternoon breaks to San Francisco Coffee, where I'd always get a cup of hazelnut latte (Love it!).

Got me thinking....

In some ways, coffee is like love. It is strong enough to keep one awake and intoxicating enough to keep one hooked. It's a "must-have". It's an "upper" :)

I guess the only difference is that while coffee can be a learned habit, love...well, love... cannot be learned, much less, forced.

The One

Rocky was bloghopping the other day and found this cool one:"Love, or any kind of relationship, is a roller coaster. At some points in our lives, we all fell in line. Well, I'm still here waiting to be seated".

I could have written that line. Hehe. Waiting has been the name of the game. Patience for the right guy to come along is being stretched to the limits. Perspective has shifted to entertain the thought that things may not turn out the way I want them to. Maybe I am made for the single life? I have been telling myself that will be ok too.

Tonight's conversation with Tita Raquel, however, seems to disprove this state of quasi-acceptance. We were talking about dissatisfaction, careerwise. She, then, turned to me and asked: "What would you rather do? What would you rather be?". To which I had an immediate answer: "A Wife". Hahaha.

As Rhea had me do a few months ago, I have written a list of things that I want in a man.I went through that list just now and I thought it was pretty simple. He doesn't have to be as smart as Einstein, as romantic as Shakespeare, as hunky as Brad Pitt or as rich as Bill Gates. I just want a simple yet great guy.

At the very least, he should satisfy 2 basic criteria and he should be able to play 5 main roles. He should be taller (criterion 1) and older (criterion 2). I should be able to have meaningful conversations with him (role 1: friend).He should be able to provide for me and the future family (role 2: husband). Intimacy at all levels should be handled with ease (role 3: lover). He can defend and protect (role 4: knight in shining armor). Lastly, he should be able to sweep me off my feet (role 5: prince charming). Any other qualities would just be a bonus.

At times, I question why it is taking too long. How difficult can it be? These are the moments when I think of trading in my ticket and skipping the rollercoaster ride altogether. I tell myself that maybe my "great guy" just does not exist and maybe I'm just meant to take a different route... (the spiritual life perhaps? hehe)

No matter how much I convince myself though, I always come back to this conclusion: I want marriage and kids. I want to be swept off my feet. I want the happy-ever after ending...

Holding on to my ticket with hopes of being seated, I will be waiting in line.

Hidden

I have written 2 pieces yesterday, which I have to keep to myself as they are too mushy to post. Hehe. Instead, I'm sharing this poem which Rocky sent over. Everytime I read this, I feel a tug at the heartchords. I just find it so real :)

Hidden
by Naomi Shihab Nye

If you place a fern
under a stone
the next day it will be
nearly invisible
as if the stone has
swallowed it.

If you tuck the name of a loved one
under your tongue too long
without speaking it
it becomes blood
sigh
the little sucked-in breath of air
hiding everywhere
beneath your words.

No one sees
the fuel that feeds you.

Letting the Universe Be

During one of my thinking-too-much attacks, Jeng managed to calm me down with one line: "You have to let the universe be". I don't exactly know how to do that, but I know that she is right.

Admittedly, I tend to overthink things, analyzing each word said and each event that happened. At times, my mind works like the "Choose your own adventure" books. Several stories are conjured in my head with all the possible endings - the one that I want, the one I dread, and a twisted ending which is neither expected nor feasible.

Maybe, I think too much as a way of preparing myself for all the possibilities. I used to think of just "the now" and I used to always go with Sheryl Crow's "if it makes you happy it can't be that bad". It works to some extent, but that perspective has blindsided me to make a few choices that only caused me hurt in the long run. Defense mechanism kicks in and I now overthink so I won't be caught off guard.

Jeng is right though. The events that are to unfold are out of our hands. No amount of thinking can really prepare us for what is to happen. No amount of thinking can make things turn out the way we want them to. It simply is out of our control.

Ironically, in this lack of control is where life's beauty lies. Imagine if we knew how the story will end. It will be safe but boring. It will be right but predictable...And, life is more than that. It is an adventure, with all the twists and turns. It brings surprises which are to be enjoyed and with each twist, memories which are to be cherished.

To control the uncontrollable is a futile undertaking. So is to foresee the future. Thus, overthinking is a waste of energy and being scared of what is to come is a skewed philosophy. As Jeng would say, there is nothing do to really, but to let life take its course and to let the universe be.

I resolve to do that... And, I, too, will hope.

I will hope that the universe takes me for a great ride...and eventually to a place where I've always wanted to be.

Encouragement

My dad regularly reads my blog (thus, the wholesome topics always. Hehe). Rather than leaving a comment, he would end up sending me an email, with the blog's entry title as his subject line. Everytime I receive such emails, one thought comes to mind: "Oops. Grammatical Errors." Hehe.

You see, when I was around 7, my dad started us on diary writing sessions. Every day, my brothers and I had to write a one page entry, which we'd have to review the next day for his spelling and grammar corrections in red ink. The proof-reading went on throughout our entire academic life. My dad would go through our papers and we would always end up rewriting. As that entire process took a while and away from our leisure time,we learned to not voluntarily have my dad check our stuff. Hehe. Occasionally, we were a lil careless and left papers lying around. True enough, when we would come back for them, they'd have the infamous red marks.

I got an email from my dad this morning regarding my June 8th entry. No grammatical errors this time around. Rather, it contained a few tips on the use of figures of speech. That, and an encouraging line which went: "You were born with the word in your tongue, a pen in your hand, and the imagination of a writer and an artist". That left me speechless.

Throughout the course of this (and my previous) blog's life, I have gotten several comments from friends regarding my writing. Some are even urging me to shift careers. Thanks guys!... I should say, though, that coming from my dad, the words sounded a ton better and made me feel like the next generation Shakespeare, Asian version :)

Dad: thank you for having had the patience to teach us good English, for the constant encouragement, and most importantly, for helping me find my passion - writing.

Re-post

I'm sorting through some old files and came across stuff I've written way back. These are two of my favorite pieces - written simply but it captures all that I felt back then.

I have not written anything of this sort in a long while... and I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever write this way again.

Mars
Soothed by your voice,
Enchanted by your kiss
Your touch makes everything alright
A new world you’ve opened
Took me to places I’ve never been to
Your presence fills me-
These sweet memories I cherish.

In this life,
Many things done, many people passed.
My simple life –
Blessed with an extraordinary experience
…You.

Futon
Italy in the summer
A Gondola ride, wonderful view
The sun sets over calm waters
... my perfect dream world.

No need for a pretty place
No need for a fancy ride
On your futon, perfect contentment
Surrounded by your presence,
It’s real…my perfect happiness.

Thank You's

I just wanna say thanks to the following:

1) To all those who visited Rafael and to all who prayed for him. The family appreciates it :)
2) Rafael's doctors
3) Jumie, for loving my brother
4) Orange, for the coffee breaks and Suba hangouts. The conversations are more than entertaining; they are meaningful and real.
5) Jeng Dear, for the wonderful quote and for always seeming to know when I need cheering up. We are "psychic"-ally connected. Hehe.
6) Marian, for always being my oncall, SMS support :)
7) Rocky, for the nightly chats which never fail to make me laugh.
8) Imma and Marlette, for being constant visitors of this site. Hey gals!
9) Keith, for sharing the downloads
10) Wentworth Miller and Prison break... I just had to say it :)

Questions

Thanks Jeng for this cool quote.

"I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

--- Rainer Maria Rilke

AA

"I'm Vida and I'm an alcoholic. I've been sober for 2 hours"...

"I'm Orange and I'm a super-alcoholic. I've been sober for 2 minutes"...

It's a chill Saturday evening at Orange's flat. Bacardi Beezers out of the way, we're blogging, blog-hopping, friendster stalking, and listening to PM Dawn's "Set A Drift on Memory Bliss". In the next hour we're going to have our Komodo Long Island Iced Teas. Sobriety will have to wait another day...

Mush Princess

I booked our Cambodia tickets today. I haven't filed for leave yet, but what the heck?! Nothing can really stop me from having a last fling with my bestfriend before she heads to the land of the hotties :p

Jeng and I have known each other for almost 12 years (whoa! :)). Half of that time we were even living together in our Xavierville dorm and our Kingswood condo. So, it's really very odd that we never have taken a trip together - not once. Kinda sad really. I guess our schedules never matched or something always came up that our planned outings never materialized. But finally, finally, we taking the time to make it happen... Cambodia here we come!

I remember that we used to have this dream of sharing a New York apartment. We also agreed to be neighbors when we both get married and have kids. Though quite ideal, I guess at this point, that's probably not gonna happen. I foresee that Jeng will take Europe by storm, do great in school, end up with a hunky Español (I'm giving you 6 months!), and settle down in one of those wonderful villas by the countryside. I, on the other hand, will probably stay in this side of the world and end up with a "poor artist" (haha, just quoting a friend's prophecy).

This I can say for certain though: no matter how our lives turn out, Jeng and I will always be connected. We just have a bond which neither time nor distance can weaken. Through school, relationships and life upgrades, we were there. Through more ups and downs, we will continue to be... Kids, this is the greatness of friendship in play.

Actually, come to think of it, I don't even consider Jeng as a friend... She's family :)

(All this sentimentality just because of a plane ticket. Hehe. Just living up to my name... Mush Queen signing off.)

Time

I got an email from a significant person from the past. Just a short "checkin-up-on-you-i'm-fine-chat-with-you-soon-take-care" note. What made me laugh is the opening line which went "Hey dude". For the longest time, it was "sweetie"...then for a moment it shifted to "baby"... then settled into "my dear"...and now, we're down to "dude". Hehe.

The fact that I can, now, laugh about this amazes me. I guess I never thought I would be at this point when I can truly say that I am ok. Yes, I still care for him and yes, I still think of how he is doing. But gone is the yearning to be with him and the nagging thought that he should have picked me.

When I was going through that chaotic time, I kept hearing people say "In time, things will be better", "In time, you'll be ok", "In time, you'll laugh about this". Everytime I heard this, I had the urge to bang my head in frustration coz I never really believed what they were saying. I used to think my pain was too deep that nothing can really fix it.

I was wrong.

Time has proved me wrong. Like the tide rushing to shore, time washes away the past and slowly unfolds the future.

Finding Me

My current addiction is Gavin DeGraw's "I Don't Want to Be". Since I heard it playing on my brother's phone (so hitech), I was hooked, and it seems that I can't be unhooked. Hehe. I have been playing it non-stop. It's a "finding me" song, one that I find apt at this point in my life.

The search for self is a continuous process. Every single day, I learn something about the world and about myself. It can be as simple as realizing that Cadburys Hazelnut maybe the best chocolate in the world, or as complex as realizing that life just always craps someone over.

At my kindergarten graduation, I donned a white coat and declared "I want to be a doctor when I grow up". Then at some point I considered being a lawyer. Giving up my spot at UP Law, I found myself in a job which is far from being a doctor or lawyer. Then, there's that constant thought of interior design. As I move along though, I realize that all this is, to some extent, well... trivial. Doctor, Lawyer, IT slave - it's all the same. Ultimately, just like everyone else, all I want to do is be me... and all I want to be is happy.

That path to happiness is one which seems to have eluded me. Maybe this is because I used to base my happiness on someone who I think can complete my world. When they leave, and they have, my world crumbles and with it, my chances of being happy. I failed to realize that the person I should have been basing my happiness on is me.

In retrospect, I also realize that I have not given myself that chance to be "stellar". I have allowed people to make me feel less than what I'm really worth. I have settled into doing things I'm not passionate about and not giving my 100%. And, for awhile I have forgotten who really matters and what really matters.

I guess all that had to happen for me to get to where I am now - which is nowhere near halfway through my journey...but at least there are improvements :) "Finding Me" is a work-in-progress... and being happy is just the same.

At this point, here is what I am about:
I love my family.
I love my friends.
I am relearning my faith.
I am trying to resolve past insecurities.
I am about moving on and going forward.
I am "tightening the circle".
I, possibly, have discovered my passion.
I still believe in that fairy tale ending.
I am learning about myself.
I am trying to be happy.

And, at this point, this is exactly how I feel:
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me.

Thanks Gavin deGraw for a great song :)

Signs

When I got into the Ateneo, I was not really slotted for the Management Engineering program. In truth (and I may sound like a nerd when I say this), I was accepted into the Mathematics program which for some reason was, then, my first choice. Having heard of good things about ME, I thought of shifting a few days before actual registration; but, I had doubts. I asked for a sign. I prayed for a sign. A white rose... and I got it in a dream.

Sounds "Serendipity"-ish, searching for signs I mean. It reminds me of the Hansel and Gretel story. They followed the pebbled trail and ended up finding their way home. In our case, we follow signs to a path that we hope would lead us to the culmination of our personal journeys. For kids my age, the search for the "way home" mostly likely translates to the search for the right person and that real connection. It just is the next logical step in this growing up process.

To some extent, I believe in pursuing signs. I trust that the universe conspires to bring us where we are supposed to be. Maybe it is the romantic in me who believes that some things are pre-destined... that life will unfold in a grandeur way... and that there is beauty in following a mysterious sign and eventually discovering its meaning.

The realists would probably think that all this is a myth, that signs are non-essentials and that destiny is what we make up along the way. I honestly cannot fully understand this school of thought... and so I guess I will just stick with mine.

With hope of eventually finding my way "home", I will continue to follow the pebbles and the white roses.

Bagel with Cream Cheese

Tegs and I went to work unusually early as we had a 9AM meeting (presentation, no less). First thoughts I had when I woke up were: my eyes are itching, my throat hurts... and who the heck schedules meetings this early? Hehe.

Last night was quite cool. We went to play billiards and I should say that I still sort of have "the touch" ... or so I would like to believe :) But, the reality is that Orange and I had 5 losses and 1 win, which isn't really that great of a track record. Hehe. Off to Suba we, then, went where I had one drink and one smoke. This explains the eyes and the throat... and the again realized fact that I'm just not really made for the party scene.

The meeting turned out alright. It was done and over with in 45 minutes. To award ourselves for being productive soldiers this early, Tegs and I headed to San Fran to grab breakfast (another odd thing as I usually skip this meal).

Nostalgia hit me as I thought of spending mornings and having breakfast with a "then-significant" someone... particularly that one morning in November '04 when we had 2 breakfasts and everything was perfect... the food, the conversation, the feel.

I, then, felt grateful that, at least, I have fond moments to look back to. The past is filled up by such memories... it can never be described as empty.

Just like toasted bagels... with cream cheese filling.